After sitting the refresher course I didn’t think I would feel so good again. During the meditation nothing particularly amazing or unusual occurred so I almost didn’t think it was working. I was able to achieve more levels of deeper concentration, and sustain it longer. I felt the bleeding feeling throughout my back of stress and attachments coming lose through much of the course, which I've learned to take as a sign that things are getting better. But I was expecting some crazy shit to happen like the previous time and that really didn’t occur. There was no epiphany, there was no hallucinations. So for some reason I took this to mean that it hadn’t really worked and that the practice had lost its magic on me. Eh, not a complete loss, I probably de-stressed a bit, the food was good, and it was better than a weekend catching up on season whatever of whatever show.
I couldn’t be more wrong. While I fully realized there were
consequences to what the practice could provide, I had always been very critical and skeptical about its
application and benefit to me once I had returned to the real world. Since
I had no plans of becoming a monk and that I have things to do in the real world I
needed a system which would actually help me here.
It was upon returning to the real world where all the
benefits of my weekend of hard work were realized. Part of the meditation teaches you to
control your reactions. That instead of going through this unconscious cycle of
reacting one can cut it off before that happens and this will help avoid misery. When one encounter senses, the body has built up a series of reactions to these sensory inputs, conditioning. I'll show you. When a
mosquito lands on you, you are trained to swat at it without really thinking
about it. There is a sensory perception of feeling the mosquito land on you somewhere, this is usually enough to alert your conscience, followed
by a built in evaluation of good or bad, then an emotional and physical
response. In the case of the mosquito it goes, there’s a mosquito on my arm
(perception), this is a bad thing (evaluation), I’m stressed, annoyed, and
worried it’s going to bite me and suck my blood which will leave some swelling and itch for a while, and I may get West Nile Virus (emotional response), I’m going to smack it
hoping to kill it but at worst it will go away for the moment (physical
response). While one mosquito isn’t going to ruin your day unless it has West Nile Virus, it does leave most everyone noticeably cross for a short period of time, and if that happened
every five minutes for an entire day it would definitely start to take its toll. That
stress you incur from the one mosquito when multiplied by a large number
becomes a significant amount of stress. That can certainly affect your mood, and you might be left wondering why you don't feel better at the end of the day. Modern life isn't swarms of mosquitoes but there are many little stressors which can build up throughout the day. Maybe it’s a beep on your phone each time you
get a new message which indicates another obligation that could be stressing you out. It could be the way
somebody talks to you. It could be the way that other people drive you feel is
adversely affecting you. Many of these things you can't really control. When all these things happen on a daily basis it can
aggregate into unhappiness.
My realization happened when I was so excited to tell my partner as we were driving home that my nose
itched but I wasn’t scratching it. I had controlled a reaction which I usually wouldn't have. She seemed happy for me, but not in a
terribly serious way. But the realization that if I could control this habit because I’ve
been working away at my built in reactions, and that I have realized that the
desire to scratch my nose is impermanent and will go away was very empowering.
If I could control something that used to be such a completely unconscious
reaction, what else could I control with this power? In this thinking I
realized that I no longer cared about the itch on my nose. I was happy to let
it keep telling that it wanted scratching but that I wasn’t going to let it
control me. That’s when some words from my favorite movie Fight Club finally
hit me with real impact, “Stop trying to control everything and just let go!” The key wasn't not scratching the itch, it was not even appraising whether it was a good or bad thing that I itched, and instead realizing something more important, that I couldn't control whether I would itch or not. At that I
truly didn’t care that my nose itched. I truly didn’t care if it got scratched
or not. I knew it was something that wasn’t important. It was real, but it was just another temporary sensation of which I've felt many and would feel many more.
The triviality of the itchy nose is apparent, but the full
implications and the feeling of not caring was anything but trivial. I was able
to let go of these things that didn’t matter and not let it make me miserable.
I felt inflated. I felt better than it. I felt in control of myself but nothing
else, and that was completely OK. It was better than OK. In that moment I was
genuinely at peace. It was euphoric.
I know that I am going to encounter more serious and troubling things on the road ahead than having an itch on my nose. But if I can maintain the same ability to not let it bother me, if I can allow myself to realize those things that I cannot control and learn to control myself be more sustainably happy and I can be much more productive and helpful for myself and everyone else. So in even just little ways, which can aggregate to big ways the things I've learned from this meditation can help me even in the real world. It is a difficult meditation process which must be learned and not taught, but I must profess, the benefits are real.
I've often wondered if any of the passions I claim in my life are just manufactured and
actually just made me miserable. Was I really in love that time I said I was? Perhaps the payoff of an expectation was never as good as I hoped. It was undeniably pretty great, but was it really the
best? Was I actually through the roof when it happened or was I sort of
just faking it a bit? I always got annoyed when people come back with food
reviews, or movie reviews, etc. on a regular basis saying that something was the best such and such.
Best meal ever! Though surely it probably wasn’t and they may have been drunk.
They likely really enjoyed it but I hated the hyperbole to say it was the best ever. Let’s not pretend
that things are better than they are. That’s just covering up our true emotions
and disappointment, and perpetuating misery. So you’ll have to believe me when I swear I’m
not exaggerating to tell a good tale, but it was really good. It was like a drug
high without the comedown, but sustainable and free. Sounds too good to be true? I guess the only evidence I can offer is that I'm not selling anything...
except an idea. But I don't want and won't get anything in return so it actually doesn't meet the legal definition of selling. I won't want anything down the road either. Anyone can do this just as well as I can, though as the usual disclaimers come, results and process times may vary. I believe that many minor and major sources of physical and emotional pain can be overcome. Social anxieties and worries over appearance and talking
with strangers because you think they’ll bore you can be overcome. After meditation one can learn
to really listen and connect with the things people are saying, even if they
are trite or foreign. Today many people usually combat this by adding in a
cocktail of drugs to make them feel less socially restrained or less physically uncomfortable. But why not just
find a way to train your mind to be less socially restrained? Isn’t that
easier? Isn't it better to not actually care, than to temporarily obtain that state through foreign chemicals? Aren't there fewer side effects and no hangover? I admit that it does take some time, some work, and some real contemplation. But not
that much. So far I’ve only spent 13 days on meditation retreats. When that is
compared to the number of days I have spent being miserable, or hurting, or stuck in mental ruts, over things which truly didn't matter, it simply pales.
It doesn’t require any money, and it doesn't require a leap a faith, since there is no faith involved.
I think faith is fake, it’s false. It’s the same reasoning that allows you to
buy a stereo box with a rock in it for the price of a cheap stereo, which is what make this so much different than a scam. This ability
is so much more than one contrived in faith.
There are of course issues ahead between balancing the effects of
meditation with the real world. It may be tough to walk the line between having the attitude, life, and obligations of a commoner with the philosophy of a monk. But
hopefully I can walk that line. There will certainly be difficulty in trying to hold on to this very feeling I have and because of that forget the principles which I've learned and the things I've trained my mind to do in order to attain it. This won't last forever. I will
likely encounter things which will make me genuinely miserable. But I think I
know how to get it back. And I think I’ve made real progress in shaping a life
attitude that can really work for me.
There are parts of my mind which I didn’t think I could
control. Now I think I can.
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