Vipassana Meditation: Part I

Last August after quitting my job and ridding myself of all other obligations in the world, I was able to take some time from what used to be my very busy and hectic life to go on 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat. Most times I would try to explain this concept to someone they would respond with some variation “Oh, sounds like Eat, Pray, Love.” While I feel it makes my experience seem generic, and perhaps even a bit girly since I don’t usually personally relate to storylines told from a female perspective, it undermined my true motives for trying it as many assumed I was inspired by images of Julia Roberts, the lead actress in the film version of Eat, Pray, Love; Pretty Woman; and some Hugh Grant and Richard Gere movies. While I currently feel being compared to Julia Roberts is more of an insult than a compliment, and having never read the book or seen film, I was insulted by the notion. Perhaps someday I will get around to watching the movie or reading the book for an actual comparison and when I will do I might admit that it isn't such an insult. But currently that's not the case.  

I think that an experience this interesting and personal should travel by word of mouth and not be mass marketed. But if it inspires people to take action in their life, I guess it really isn't a problem. For better or for worse that’s how good stories have been spread since the days of the Bible. So I should probably just get used to it.

Since this whole idea is really based on my own perceptions and experiences I really want to explain the concepts as best as I can in my interpretation. There are web pages you can find that will explain more about Vipassana meditation and explains it in a way perhaps more suitable to those who teach it, particularly S.N. Goenka, the primary person responsible for establishing many of these meditation centers around the globe, but since my purpose is to retell the story as I perceived and experienced it, I feel for this case I should explain this in my own words. Also, just as a warning, reading this may lead you to the conclusion that I'm a crazy person, and I'm OK with that.

Just an aside here, but I realized somewhere in this reflection that for most of my life I interpreted meditation based on an example that was in the first Ninja Turtles movie when all the turtles got together and had visions of their master Splinter in order to figure out where his kidnappers had been holding him hostage. Vipassana was a bit different than that, but no less exciting.

The concept of Vipassana meditation as it was taught to me revolves around the reality of physical sensation and temporary nature of all things. This leads to a focus on the present moment and current physical experiences, the sensations on your body. Your body is sensing things all the time, but often they are too subtle or our mind is too distracted to notice them. The theory as to why this is useful thing to think about is that all misery stems from cravings and aversions. Cravings and aversions stem from a four-step process of (1) your body receiving physical stimulation through your five senses via encounters with objects outside the self. (2) The body then, and mostly subconsciously, determines whether that sensation is good or bad. (3) Then there is an emotional response whether the sensation is good or bad, this is usually a little more conscious than the initial reception. (4) Then finally there is a behavioral action which occurs and this is almost always very conscious. However, as the first few processes were happening below your conscious level of thought there is a disconnect when associating the result and the cause. Through this process of receiving sensations from the world your body learns to crave good things and be averse to bad things. And when cravings are not satisfied or when aversions occur the individual becomes miserable. This pattern is then repeated for most of an individual’s life creating a cycle of misery. Sure there are times when cravings are satisfied, and there are times when aversions are avoided, but generally cravings can't always be satisfied and aversions can't always be avoided, so they will surely crop up again and the misery will continue.

This style of meditation is the cure to break this cycle. Here is an example that helped me understand and relate much better. Many people who are addicted to something and try to break the habit at the behavioral level, the fourth step of the cycle. They want to quit smoking cigarettes so they pledge to themselves that they will stop doing that activity. But according to the aforementioned Goenka that is not where the root of the problem lies and that is not where the addiction and craving is formed. The person knows that they should not do the activity, but yet there are still strong internal urges to do it. For a while they might avoid the activity, but they are still susceptible to slip back into it, and may do so after a period of how ever many hours, days, or years. The root of the problem has not been eradicated, only the surface level behavior. Goenka says that the issue is not that this person didn’t have enough strength to not repeat the behavior, but that the level of addiction for most of these things is not at the conscious behavior level but down deeper at the sensation level, the first step of the cycle, where these problems are initially formed during the interaction between your body and the rest of the world. So the goal is to cut off the process at the sensation level through the Vipassana meditation technique. Here is how it is done:

While I stated previously that much of the initial sensations received are subconscious, Goenka does not believe that means they are in a locked-off partition of the brain as the subconscious is sometimes viewed, but rather just a more subtle part of the brain which is often overlooked. Accordingly, the first step in Vipassana is to increase your focus and awareness. We accomplished this by siting perfectly still while focusing on our breathing. Not trying to control it, but just observing it. As the hours of sitting still help calm our minds and let it unwind distractions whether internal or external began to have less of an effect. Then we learned to focus on just one part of our body the area around our nostrils. This is an area that is stimulated quite regularly by breathing, but it is a very subtle stimulation. As your focus increases you can become more aware of it. Again the idea is just observe the sensation that the edge of your nostrils is feeling. A big point is to not worry about what the sensation is and whether you like it or not, the purpose is just to feel it and realize that that sensation is the reality of the moment, and that, like all sensations, this one will come to pass. You should remain perfectly equanimous about the sensation making sure you are just observing it and not getting attached to it and not determining whether you think it is a good or a bad sensation.

There will often be other sensations that come into your mind throughout the process, an itch somewhere else on your body, or a noise in the room. You should pay no attention to these other sensations and just focus on the one area around the nostrils. This process is then moved to an even smaller triangular area just beneath the nose and above the upper lip. As you work for a smaller area and continue to deprive your body of the large obvious sensations (sight, music, physical interaction, etc.) your mind sharpens and your focus and awareness of these subtle sensations is increased. Once your ability to focus on the most subtle sensations his honed to where you can feel sensation when you previously couldn’t (this can take several days for beginners) you expand your concentration areas to other parts of your body. You begin to work your way through the whole body from top of your head to the tips of your toes making sure to cover every inch of your skin in between and you start to scan your whole body of sensation.

This process of feeling the sensations throughout your whole body and remaining equanimous about them results in a break of the misery cycle. When you can concentrate and mentally conclude that the sensations you feel on your body are just temporary feelings your body doesn’t automatically determine if it is good or bad, and you don’t have the emotional or behavioral responses. After you feel the sensation your body accepts the reality of that situation and doesn’t take further action. So the process of creating new cravings and aversions is halted. You are just equanimous. Through repetition and continuity of this practice all your cravings and aversions will start to go away and thus so will your misery.

Now of course nobody can meditate all day, but since this was a meditation retreat, we certainly tried to get in as much meditation in as possible. The day (everyday) was divided like this:

4:00                           Morning wake up bell
4:30 – 6:30              Meditation
6:30 – 8:00              Breakfast and rest
8:00 – 9:00              Mandatory Meditation
9:00 – 11:00            Meditation
11:00 – 12:00          Lunch
12:00 – 13:00          Rest / interviews with the teacher
13:00 – 14:30          Meditation
14:30 – 15:30          Mandatory Meditation
15:30 – 17:00         Mediation
17:00 – 18:00         Tea break (only fruit)
18:00 – 19:00         Mandatory Meditation
19:00 – 20:15         Video discourse by S.N. Goenka
20:15 – 21:00         Mandatory Meditation
21:00 – 21:30         Question time
21:30                        Bed

But since there were times that we were not in the hall meditating there were certain rules put in place to make sure that our minds stayed pure during the process. Some seem like a given, but others might seem a little difficult, some might seem unnecessary, and some might just confuse, depending on the individual. On the first day you agree to observe the eight precepts, as they are known, of Buddhism in order to assist your meditation. They are: 
1.       refrain from destroying living creatures (no killing) 
2.       refrain from taking that which is not given (no stealing) 
3.       refrain from sexual activity 
4.       refrain from incorrect speech (no swearing or lying) 
5.       refrain from intoxicating drinks and drugs which lead to carelessness 
6.       refrain from eating at the forbidden time (i.e., after noon), this also included eating a vegetarian diet 
7.       refrain from dancing, singing, music, going to see entertainments, wearing garlands, using perfumes, and beautifying the body with cosmetics 
8.       refrain from lying on a high or luxurious sleeping place

These really help ground and maintain the practice for the entire time at the retreat. In addition to these however, a vow of silence was taken for the 10-day period so as to keep everyone focused and to let their experience be their own. It went as far as that you weren’t meant to have any communication even non-verbal communication. And since that can happen in so many ways without you realizing it, we were instructed to get around without making eye contact with anyone. It must have been an unusual sight if someone came along who didn’t know what was happening. We collectively had the social skills of a group of zombies. 

I suppose I should set the scene a bit better while we have some time. The class was taught in Kelseyville, California on property approximately 10 acres in size which contained a few buildings and a wooded area right off a back country highway. There were about 60 people taking the course in all, half women and half men, and about 20% of the whole group was returning students who had previously taken the course. Men and women were separated for the entire time except in the meditation hall. But the meditation hall was divided with two entrances, one for each sex. Inside the hall women stayed on the right side and men stayed on the left side. There was meant to be no crossing over. There were three buildings that I entered the entire time. The first was the meditation hall which I just mentioned. It had no incense or religious symbols. It was very simple, had a concrete floor, low lighting, and was largely insulated from the outside of the world regarding sound and light. The purpose of this was to remove the very obvious sensations like sight and sound, and even the feel of wind so that in meditation one could really focus on the more subtle sensations. There were pillows, cushions, and shawls and things you could grab on your way in to make your meditation comfortable.

The second building I went in was the dormitory where most of the other men were housed. It was just like a university dormitory with separate rooms along a hallway, usually three or four to a room. I was matched with two other guys in a very plain mostly square room that contained three beds, three bedside tables, a window, and a curtain. Nothing more. The amazing thing is that I could not talk to these two guys and I didn’t even know their names. They were just Roommate #1 and Roommate #2. I didn’t actually see the face of Roommate #2 until the very last day. I just never got him at the right angle. He sat in front of me in the meditation hall so knew the back of his head quite well though.

The third building was the dinning commons which like the meditation hall had two entrances. It also had a curtain to separate the men and women. The room was only open right around meal time. All the cooking services were provided by old students (students who had already completed at least one 10-day course) who had volunteered to serve while continuing their practice. The vegetarian food that was offered each day was pretty darn great. I found everything quite delicious. It may have been a combination of not eating much, or the fact that food didn’t cost anything, or that I was actually able to manage my cravings and not want extravagant meaty, sugary, or processed food, but I was excited about almost every meal I was served. In the dinning commons was a sandwich board which had a notice posted each day to remind us what we were supposed to be focusing on.

In addition to the buildings there was a wooded area with some walking paths. The paths were really just two loops. One was about 200 yards in circumference, and the other about half that. There were a few people staying in tents in the area because the dorm was full and they could get more students in that way. Since I was limited to the male half of the property I just assume that the female half had roughly the same features.

The last detail, which I did refer to above but felt it needed specific mention, is that the entire thing was free. Ten days of room and board entirely covered. It is one of my favorite things about this Vipassana organization, that they decided they wanted absolutely everyone of sound enough mental and physical health to be allowed to take the course. They also wanted people to not have to worry about whether they were getting their money’s worth in terms of food and accommodation. If it is given free of charge the students will be grateful no matter what and won’t have to worry about the ego of it. It is quite an incredible concept and one I discovered was quite real as I experienced it. All the funding to buy property and build these compounds is donation based. It’s actually even better than that. They restrict donations to only old students, so that way you know that money flowing into the organization is pure in that the donors must also believe in the cause based on their own personal experience of it. There’s no corporate sponsorship or anything like that.

Day 1 – While there was an instructor there to help, and who was available for private consultation, the class was actually taught by audio and video recordings of the ‘guru’ of this practice, S.N. Goenka who I introduced a little bit earlier. The recordings were from a class he taught in Berkeley approximately 21 years prior. At first it was strange and seemed impractical to be taught from so far into the past and it came off a bit tacky watching things in what today is considered to be rather poor video quality, with less than stellar camera work (think America’s funniest home videos, the Bob Saget years). Something about it made me feel like I was joining a cult. I was genuinely interested in learning about meditation and learning a bit more about Buddhism, so I already decided that I was going to give it a genuine effort and submit to the teachings despite my skeptical nature.

As instructed, I started out with just the simple tactic of focusing on breathing. This was very difficult. My mind was racing. I would start out, close my eyes, take a deep breath and then slowly and silently exhale through my nose. It was a good breath. It felt good. My body was happy, it was a little bit of refreshment as all my cells seemed to immediately feel a bit of a high from the increased oxygen supply. This did not last. Before I knew it I was thinking about Big Lebowski quotes, what I read in a book once, lyrics of a song that started playing in my head, and that continued a chain of ideas which got to me a sandwich I enjoyed a couple weeks prior. Then I realized there was a task I was supposed to be thinking about. What was it again? Breathing!! Shit, I totally forgot. How absent minded I am?? How I cannot focus?? This was repeated for the first couple of hours. I would take a breath, take another, then I was thinking about work, I was thinking about moving to Australia, I was thinking about the wedding I attended recently, I was thinking about political conspiracies. Wait, what I am I supposed to be thinking about again? Breathing!! Yes! Shit, I totally forgot!! Again! It wasn’t exhausting because my mind really got to wander, but I was amazed at the places it could go so quickly, with me knowing and along for the ride, but at the same time forgetting that I was originally supposed to be doing something else. Such little focus I had. I was getting frustrated with my inability stay on task.

Somewhere in here I actually started cheating. At least I think it was cheating since I wasn’t supposed to doing other than observing my breathing. I started counting my breaths. It helped me focus on breathing because I could anticipate what the next breath was going to be. 2…. 3…. 4…. But then as usual my mind would start to be interfered by other thoughts and I’d go 8… wait, was that 8? I don’t remember 7. I felt this was cheating because by anticipating I was not living in the present moment and I was almost craving the next breath, something I knew that I wasn’t supposed to do. The counting legitimately helped though, and eventually I made it to somewhere in the 90s with my counting. By that time I agreed that I had gone over that next hurdle and had probably acquired enough concentration to try and do it without the counting. So even if I didn’t get there completely organically, I felt like I had accomplished something. It took all of the first day and most of the second before I could focus enough without counting my breaths.

At 8pm each night we watched a video featuring S.N. Goenka. I was excited about this and continued to be excited throughout the course because it was a period where I didn’t have to think my own thoughts, I could just sit back and listen. Since everything else took place almost exclusively inside my head, with very little outward stimulation, this was nice and relaxing. But it was also quite intellectually stimulating and inspired many ideas and things to think about. Goenka is a Burmese man who is a little bit round in the cheeks, but definitely has an air of wisdom and enlightenment about him. He speaks so confidently but calmly. There is no doubt in his mind about what is true and what isn’t true. He is certain because he knows. He talks about the theory of the practice and all the people he has talked to throughout his years and years of Vipassana teaching. He began as a business man and was very successful at a young age. He was making a lot of money but he became very stressed and began to get very serious migraines. After seeing doctors all over the world and being treated by morphine almost to the point of addiction he was convinced to take a meditation course by a friend. He almost left a couple of times in his first 10-day course because it was too hard, but ended up seeing it through and learning the practice. After 14 years as a student he travelled to India to teach his mother the practice when she was ill. He invited a couple others to learn as well and it grew and grew by word of mouth until he was being asked to come to other countries and teach.

In these discourse videos Goenka had an uncanny ability to describe exactly what I had been feeling throughout the day right back to me. This was comforting because the things I was worrying about in my head were described well and that made them feel normal at the times when I felt like I was going crazy. I knew that I wasn’t too far off track that my position couldn’t be located. “And you’ll find how much your mind likes to wander. And you’ll go off and start thinking about all these wonderful things. Then you’ll go, wait a second, I’m supposed to be thinking about breathing. And so you think about breathing for a bit. But then just a little bit later you will find you’ve completely forgotten about breathing again and your mind has wondered off. Hey come back here mind. This is normal for the first day. You’ve gotten used to a busy hectic lifestyle where your mind has to race from one thing to the next so quickly. Don’t get upset at your mind. It’s just doing what it is used to doing. But when you catch yourself, forgive yourself for getting off track and just calmly go back to observing your breath (all paraphrased).” This man was speaking my exact internal dialogue for the day. And he was doing it from 21 years in the past. I started to trust this man pretty quickly and internally laughed at how wise he seemed.

Day 2 – After a whole day of just thinking about breathing I was very excited to find out that we were going to be doing something different. The job now was to think about our nostrils. It was a bit of strange request but I was glad to be doing something else. So I thought about my nostrils. For a while nothing really happened, and I was a bit confused. Goenka elaborated on his instruction that if I don’t feel anything take a couple of deeper breaths so that I could feel it all a little bit more. Yes I could obviously feel things when there was a lot of air going through my nose. But what was that? What was the point of that? What difference did it make? I kept concentrating and staying focused right on the edge of my nostrils.

As I kept working at this more things became clear to me. I could feel them flaring a little bit. Then sometimes little muscles would twitch. When I would take subtler breaths I found how lightly the moving air can create a tickling sensation by moving the hairs. There was also a little tiny feeling on the edges of the nostrils that feels the air go by and it can sense the temperature change. When I breathe in there is a slight cooling feeling on the edge of my nostrils, and then when I breathe out the air is slightly warmer because it’s been in my lungs. These sensations were become interesting, and the more I focused and observed the more they would start to grow stronger and more obvious.

During the meditation I started to feel a completely different sensation. This was actually a little bit before we were really supposed to be focusing on sensation, and we were still mainly concerned with respiration. But I began to feel this sensation that started as subtle as any other but continued to grow into a very strong feeling. There is a spot on my back that has always plagued me. When I get stressed it is the place where I feel it. No matter what I would try to impale myself on, no matter what edge I would press myself against, no matter what object, be it a tennis ball, baseball, that I would roll my back over on the floor, no matter what masseuse I visited and no matter how much direction I ever gave any of the patient ex-girlfriends who ever tried to give me a proper back rub, there was always this spot whose tension and ache could never be satisfied. I can’t say it was a spot that gave me regular pain or that it was really detrimental to my life. But during the most of tense of times, whether it was in my professional life or otherwise would result in an accumulation of pain in this area and it would be really painful and bothersome. So it was during an afternoon meditation session on the second day that this sensation came along. It started as a slight pulsation in this exact spot. This spot deep inside that could never be reached.

I know that spot so well, because it’s often trying to get my attention. And here I was supposed to ignore it. Ok, no problem. But the pulsing got stronger. It was saying “HEY” frequently, and more frequently until it came about every five seconds. “Thanks buddy but I am ignoring you can’t you see?” I would reply in my head. It was relentless. Stronger and stronger. The rest of my back felt like it was tightening around it. It was almost as if it was hardening into a lump. It started to get very painful. I continued to ignore it. Hey it will pass, all sensations do. It didn’t really pass. It started to get stronger, unignorably stronger. It started to get very warm as well. It was definitely a little concerning.

Going into the meditation course I was a little bit afraid of the physical toll of meditation. How would having to sit still make me feel for long durations? My hope was that as I would grow uncomfortable, which was surely going to happen, that I would actually increase the strength of my back muscles and my posture would improve as I went along. I would certainly be able to withstand some temporary discomfort as I conditioned my body. I thought this plan was the pain of failure.  I thought I was doing something wrong and was injuring myself in the process. That wasn’t it at all.

When the pain got to a certain severity I decided I needed a break so I called off my meditation session and went outside to walk around. As soon as my mind came out of its focus and I began to move the pain went away. I returned to the evening session and after about five minutes of concentration the feeling came back. This time it was quicker in developing. I wasn’t even thinking about it. There was a clear physical feeling, but it wasn’t something that felt related to any specific muscle. It was just that spot. It began to pulsate again. There was so much pressure. It was getting hot, it felt like my skin was going to start boiling over. It was getting close to burning. It was a very intense pain. I broke my posture and touched my back with my left arm to see if it was actually that hot. It was a little warm but it wasn’t boiling like it felt.

So I continued with the meditation, still trying to focus on the sensation of my nostrils and sharpen my mind to feel the most subtle of sensation. My back got hotter and hotter. It was a stinging burning sensation, still radiating from this one spot. Then there was a total moment of eruption that was a mix of pain and pleasure and the spot felt like it began to melt. It felt like there was hot liquid now pouring out of my back in this spot. It felt like bleeding so out of concern I broke my posture again and touched my back again with my hand to check. No blood, it wasn’t wet at all. It was still painful but it started to feel good, so I stayed with it, trying to remain equanimous and accept the reality of this magnificent strong sensation in my back. It kept pouring and running out of me, this liquid.

So after the final meditation of the evening I had the chance to discuss this with my instructor and I was anxious enough that I thought I would give it a go.

“I’m not sure what this is, but my back has been hurting in a particular spot. It’s a really strong pain in a specific spot. I’m not sure if it’s the meditation or my posture. I feel like I might be pinching something. Is that something that happens in these classes, do students hurt their backs?” I asked (note: there were two small periods in the day when you could break the noble silence to ask questions of your instructor about the practice. These were done very privately.)

“No it just sounds like a sankhara coming to the surface. We will learn more about them as the course goes along. Essentially they are deeply rooted old emotional responses, and as you practice meditation you will run across them. They can take many different forms when they come to the surface. Remember when you encounter them to remain equanimous, just be with them, observe them, but remain equanimous. If I think it is too painful that I need to avoid it, or if I find it too pleasurable that I want to hold on to it, I will just continue to feed into it and make it stronger. So just remember that it is an impermanent feeling that will pass.”

I noticed again as I was talking that the feeling had dissipated really quickly, unlike any muscle soreness I had ever experienced. In fact, my back actually felt a little bit looser than it had previously. So I decided that this probably was the sankhara thing. I mean, it was an amazing coincidence that I was feeling this in what has always been known as my trouble spot. I was encouraged that I might be making progress and facing some of my deeper issues. So I don’t have to discuss it more later, I will just say that this feeling continued with me for the rest of my 10 days practicing Vipassana with varying degrees of intensity. It continued to feel like my back was bleeding out what I guessed was sort of bad energy. I learned to make peace with the sensation, even though it was quite intense realizing that it was probably doing a lot of good for me. 

To be continued in Part II...