The Last Word on Toilet Seats

I am writing this post to show that while I prefer to talk about intelligent things, some things that I figured would be common knowledge by now need explanation. I am also writing this post because I’m angry. That is actually why I write most of these posts. I am angry at stupid things that get posted on the internet that are then reposted all over my damn Facebook: http://funny2.com/mensrules.htm Men’s Rules for Women (I know this post was from a while ago, but someone posted it again and made me hate it all over again). I was upset on the first entry. Primarily because it must have been written by some unintelligent stubborn man who is making the rest of us look bad with archaic notions of gender roles. Second, the toilet seat should not be a problem anymore in this day and age. We are completely screwing up if we think that this is men vs. women battle. It’s not. It’s a situational battle and an attempt to overcome what amounts to a semi-awkward situation when we realize that there are more people in the world than toilets and therefore one of the most private and disgusting things that we all do has to occur at a shared location. Yes, men and women have different needs to these devices and we have collectively been intelligent enough to adopt designs that work for both genders. However, for some reason this is still an issue, one I would like bury now. 

First, here are a couple overall rules that, since we’re getting really meticulous here, probably need explaining:

Rule #1 - Guys when urinating while standing should always lift the seat up prior, it doesn’t matter which toilet you are faced with, this is universally true. If it has a seat, lift it.

Rule #2 – Cleanliness is always more important than general manners, and being clean should be the most essential manner.

Rule #3 - The long standing tradition where I come from is that you should always leave the seat down because women prefer it, I believe because it means that they don’t have to do any prep-work in order to use the facility. I imagine that polite also has something to do with it for instance, if you are in a private residence you should generally leave the environment as it was left to you, much like a nature preserve. That means if the seat was down and the cover was down, leaving it in a state where just the seat is down is generally inadequate. Every time one enters a restroom with the intent on using the facilities for their designed purpose, I presume they would generally prefer that things be in a polite respectful order, that would especially apply to the proprietor of the restroom but also any other regular users. This, however, is where we can run into our first predicament. What gets lost in this argument is that women prefer to have the seat down so it is ready for use, but more important than the position of the seat, is the cleanliness of the seat which is often taken for granted. Having urine or indirect toilet water (via splash back) anywhere on the seat, but particularly the top surface is a much more severe problem than a seat that is out of the users desired position. So keep these things in mind when evaluating your actions. So to sum up Rule #3: Always consider the interests of other users of the facility.

The issue as was oversimplified in the ‘Men’s Rules’ post, breaks down into different groups of actions. A decision tree type flow chart would probably be the most useful way to explain this, but in the meantime I have a chart that has a coordinate for each of the different potential combinations of the two real variables that you could run into in the real world. Here is such a chart: 

	Public	Private Location
Used by Men Only	Leave it up	Whatever the hell you want because guys don't care, most likely up though
Used by Women Only	Leave it down	Whatever the hell you want because guys don't care, most likely down though
Used by Men and Women	Leave it up	Leave it down

Now I will explain the reasoning behind each decision starting from the top left on the chart:

Public Toilet/Used by Men Only – In this scenario, the toilet seat is best left in the upright position. This is generally referred to as the Men’s room and has many male users. There is a significant number of germs floating around this type of facility, and in a public environment with many different users with various capacities to overcome the fear of germs, the average stranger using the toilet cannot be relied on to adhere to Rule #1 explained above, as the germs anticipated on the toilet seat will cause some men, who are not fearing any repercussions here will skip rule #1 so they do not have to make physical contact with the toilet seat. Therefore, as a user, you must do your duty and first follow Rule #1, anticipate others inability to follow rule #1 and react accordingly. In this case, it is more important to leave the seat up and keep it out of the way of any fluids, including yours and any urinators who may follow you, than to worry about politeness. So the seat is left up in order to follow Rule #2. For when the time comes that a gentleman will require the seat down, he would much prefer that it be clean than already in a down position upon arrival. He is also going to be in a desperate enough state that he won’t mind touching the seat, as long as it is clean, so lowering the seat will not be a problem. This gentleman, as should all, shall return the seat to the upright position when finished.

Private Toilet/Used by Men Only - Whatever the hell position you want because guys don't care about this sort of thing. Most likely up though since a majority of visits to the restroom will require the seat up. If you are a guest, return it to the state you found it, and don’t be judgmental, some people really just don’t care about this sort of thing.

Public Toilet/Used by Women Only – As this is mostly a guide for men, since we’re generally the only ones that need to make decisions on this matter, this response is something that may be somewhat of a forgone conclusion. However, since women usually require the seat down and there is little risk of splash back or any other contamination for the female user, it should be noted that the seat should always be left down. If you happen to be a gentleman who has found yourself using a women only public restroom (I have been there a time or two) please do the courtesy of raising the seat during, and lowering afterward.

Private Toilet/Used by Women Only – I imagine that this will be the same as the previous response in that it shouldn’t ever deviate from the down position, however, a woman can choose whatever she wants in her private residence. If a man happens to find himself in this situation he should incorporate Rule #1 and Rule #3 as well as my response directly above to the Public/ Women only scenario.

Public Toilet/Used by Men and Women – This is a situation that may deviate from mine and other’s upbringing and will probably provide the most controversy because in this scenario, despite the fact that there are regular female users, the choice should be made to leave the seat up. While this may seem counter intuitive and possibly offensive to women, the conclusion is really reached as courtesy to the female users based on Rule #2. After effectively following Rule #1, Rule #2 should be considered, and here the main issue is similar to that of the Public/Men only scenario that cleanliness is more important than manners. For the same reasons listed in that scenario, other users of the public cannot be relied upon to follow Rule #1, and so in order to protect the virtue of Rule #2, we have to leave the seat up. Similarly, the female, like a gentleman who needs to sit, may be slightly offended that the seat is not in an ideal position to begin with, but if they find the surface of the seat to be clean, they will gladly take that benefit over the rude manners of leaving the seat up.

Private Toilet/Used by Men and Women – This is the situation that probably comes to mind the most often when dealing with the subject, the toilet in a house shared by both genders. First gentlemen, invoke Rule #1. Rule #2 should be expected in a shared living space, so always be clean. Then in this case, unlike the public shared toilet, the users can and should be relied upon to be clean, and we must have the decency, since unknown members of the public with no vested interest in the cleanliness of the facilities will have a chance to soil them, to trust that Rule #1 and Rule #2 will be followed. So we can then invoke Rule #3 and be courteous and be sympathetic to the women who also use this facility and unfortunately have to sit down for each use by always leaving the seat down.

That is it. All you have to do in order to not upset anyone is first make a decision as to whether or not this toilet is in a public space. Then you need to interpret whether this toilet will be used by both men and women, this is often aided by a sign on the door to the restroom. Then follow the chart. Easy!